Life after death

It’s funny how
someone’s death could have a certain effect on me. Either it’s somebody
I know or a complete stranger I happened to see on TV.
Somebody at my office died last week (may she rest in peace). I never
knew her & never had a conversation with her. I just know who she
was, her name & what team she was in. That’s it. & since the
day
she died I kept thinking about death.
Actually I’ve always been thinking about death more than I should.
Dunno… Somehow it keeps me from missing my daily prayers. So whenever
laziness visits me through the day & keeps me away from praying I
would think: “Farika! What if you died right this instance? You’ve just deliberately missed 1 prayer & you’ve sinned 1 more time seconds before you died!” Hiiiii! Anyway, the kind of life one would face afterwards kinda make my imagination
running wild too. 
Imagine! Life after death would last for eternity. The concept of
eternity itself is…pretty unexplainable for me & gives me quite a
headache. So, I wonder how
things on that “side” is going, what one would do, what one could see
or experience or what lies ahead. What would one do if he/she doesn’t
have the 5 senses anymore? What would one do if he/she is just a spirit
& doesn’t have a body anymore. A spirit? What is it exactly? What
could a spirit do?  Can it (is it an “it” or still a he/she?) see
the people it lefts behind on earth? Can it remembers what it has done
in life before it dies? Can it still misses its loves one?
*oy..here comes that headache again*
In this world you know what makes your life comes to an end. Which
is…well…death. At the end of the day you’re going to die. Until
then you have so much things to do with one ultimate goal. Well…I
wouldn’t say that death is a life’s goal but…yeah…that’s pretty
much it. At the end of your life you’re gonna die & there’s nothing
you could do about it. So you kinda know what to expect. You just
couldn’t know how & when it’s gonna happen. But what could you expect from “Eternity”?

1, 2, 3, 4, … 30 push ups

“Hon, look! Look! My muscles are
showing! See how big they are!”

(Nodded without looking away from
the tv)

“Touch it! It’s so lumpy &
hard, eh?”

(From only 1-2 months of push
ups?? Naaaah…)

1, 2, 3, 4, … 60 sit ups

“Honey! Look here! If I hold my
breath & tuck my belly like…this much, I practically already have a six
pack abs. See?!! Am I right?”

(Munch..munch.. Yumm, this
Nutella’s sandwich is good!)

“Honey! Look at me, please!?! See
the lines in my abs.. They’re still here. You know I used to have great abs…”

(Oh yes.. Yes.. 6 lines…now on a
wobbly belly)

“I’ll do more push ups & sit
ups now. You count, okay?”

(Hhhuaaaammm… 1…2….6?)

Later he would spend quite a while & numerous
times in front of the mirror. Admiring his body which despite of the big
belly I also love so much.

My husband. Some of his friends
called him megalomaniac. I prefer to consider him as narcissistic.
Babe, if you
spent 1 more second in front of that damn mirror, there’s nothing I can
do
except to go along with your friends. Narcissism is apparently
contagious or is
becoming a trend. Coz now, every guy in my team is more narcissistic
than ever.
If not through fashion & six packs’ abs, then through creative ads
or writings in blogs. Which one’s better, I can’t tell. 1 thing for
sure: I’m
surrounded by 21st century Narcissus.

Tell me your dreams…

“If you dreamed of kissing your high-school boyfriend, you probably have desire to awaken lost passions. Kissing another is often wish fulfillment. The wish may not be to kiss
per se, but to experience the youthful energy of love. Kissing in this
sense is the desire for the awakening of passion, not necessarily the
passion acted out.”

That’s what I got from a quiz I just took. No, I didn’t dream of kissing a high-school lover. I HAD a similar dream last nite which made me think about the concept of dreaming. Dr. Freud thought dreams represented unfulfilled wishes. Carl Jung thought a dream was “the small hidden
door in the deepest & most intimate sanctum of the soul.” But modern researchers regard them as repeated bursts of
electrical activity from the primitive brain, random stimuli that the
brain transposes into bizarre images. Another idea is that dreams are simply psychological garbage. But then I remembered….

I
dare to say that I have this one particular dream over and over again.
Although the stories & settings are different one from the other,
but in those dreams I always seemed to be running away from something,
or to be more precise, something/one is always chasing me.
& the odd thing is it was more like watching a movie (sometimes
drama, action, love, thriller, or often horror genre) rather than
dreaming. I wasn’t me & all the people in the dream, never know or
met them in my entire life! When I said I wasn’t me, I meant it. I
could be a man in a kung-fu suit, a sexy woman like Asia Argento (I
wish! ) or an Italian mobster.

There’s
one where I, who wasn’t me in physical appearance, was chased by a
giant demon. I jumped into a deep & dark lake & swam as fast as
I could. But the demon was still tailing me. Getting closer &
closer. Just when he (I assumed a demon is a he )
was about to grab my legs, I woke up. It’s always like that. I never
got the chance to see how the “movie” would’ve ended. Often I couldn’t
even remember how the dream went.

See?!
How odd can a dream possibly be? What does it mean? Does any dream
always have its own meaning? Who’s chasing me? What is it that I’m
running away from? Hmm… Maybe there’s a hot hunk out there who’s
still hasn’t give up on me… What do you think? Should I listen to Freud & Jung or should I just throw my dreams away into the garbage side of my brain?

Spinning without moving

Thought it went away for good. Or at least it wouldn’t come for
another…year maybe? But this heavy, painful, twirling, buzzing,
squeezing, nausea, aching, familiar feeling in my head is
here………….. Vertigo…again????? Great…. What’s next?

Just
shut the fuck up! Get the hell outta my face and outta my head! I’m
sick and fucking tired of hearing your seducing voice creeping into my
ears over and over again and wearing out my brain ’til it hurts!
Telling me to do things I don’t want to do, showing me things that I
definitely don’t need to see, making me more fucked up than before.
Can’t you just be normal and nice like everybody else and quit
bothering others who want things finally to be peaceful and
simple?????
Why did you go? Why did you come back? Why are you here in the first place?
Why me??
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!

Man! What a way to feel on a Friday….
Excited, angry, thrilled, happy, nausea, regret, paranoid and curious
at the same time.
All got mixed up in the most fucking twisted way.
Couldn’t they take turns and torcher me one day at a time?
And here comes another one!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
What to do if you’re suddenly feeling blue?

What a shitty, shitty, fucked up mood to live through a Friday…

Yeah… Cynicism is good…..but only if you can handle one yourself.

ticktockticktockticktocktick…

Die Zeit wird immer näher. Es wird bald Zeit sein. In ein paar Tagen werde
ich rausfinden. Ob es hier ist oder…nicht. Was komisch ist…es fühlt sich
nicht mehr so spannend wie früher. Nicht daß ich es nicht mehr mochte. Habe die
ganze Monat versucht um Geduld zu haben, nicht so viel Gedanken an ihm machen.

Schwierig, ja. Habe noch immer viele Fotos von internet runtergeladet. Schöne,
süße, bunte Fotos. Mit Giraffen und Elefanten. Ein gelbes Entchen war auch
dabei. So süß, so lieb…. Die Wände werden eine Kombination von weiss, sanft
gelb oder grün sein. Ich kann mich schon vorstellen wenn… Ach, reiss dich zusammen!

Okay..okay! Aber es geht ja schon besser, oder? Hoffentlich wird alles gut
sein. Wenn’s nicht…na ja… Dann muß ich halt einen anderen Weg finden…. Hoffentlich
wird’s diesen Monat klappen. Ich drücke fest die Daumen…. Bete für mich,
allerseits….

New look, new feel, new husband

to this hip dude   
 
then this cool hunk…   

and finally to…. THIS!!!

So, what’s next, honey?