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Month: October 2005
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What I wouldn't do for you....
A couple days ago I had an HSG test.
Yes, another test to find out why the "stork" hasn't come to our little
family yet, which is starting to miss that little bundle of joy quite frequently
now.
The test.... Well... What can I say about the test... Other than PAINFUL!!!!!
It already started when I was browsing on the net, trying to find out
what and how that test is all about (My mistake. I always HAVE TO CHECK
things on the net first. Sigh...) After I read that harmless little
article which only stated that the patient would feel a bit cramps and
nausea just like PMS (HAH!!!!
), I
already felt a little too tense about this whole thing. But, I had to, I
told myself. So, I went there with my husband. Entered the examination
room with a hard thumping heart and the nurse gave me a silly pants (It has a
hole on the "right" spot. How practical
).
The rest were the "Spread you legs-Don't be tense-Oh my you look very
young-Where do you work-How's your husband" kind of crap. The next
thing I knew there was this tiny.. Well, I probably shouldn't tell you the
whole procedure here.. I want to give the women an option
Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, it felt...well yeah.. Kinda like PMS but worse!
And that's only the beginning. 1 hour later it got worse!! And I do
mean WORSE. The cramping thing.. I didn't only feel it in my stomach
but also in my you-know-what. I couldn't move, I couldn't walk,
for God's sake, I couldn't even stand up right. All I did was cry and
eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. After 3 hours of sleep then
came the stomach cramping thing.
And if
you must know, even if I'm back from the dead now, I do still feel nausea and that's why I don't fast today.
So, I guess now it's my husband's turn (hehehehehehehehehe). Next week
we'll finally going to see the doctor. Can hardly wait what he's gonna say. The result was I have retroflexed uterus. I hope it's not as serious as it sounds...To think that this whole fiasco is "only" for a little human being... Well, I'm sure the pain is worth suffering for..
And I'd do it all over again if I have to. -
Are you going to be my greatest sin?
Do I deserve to be blamed? For not loving you or even to feel a thing?
Coz it was you who was there in my life yet then chose to disappear.
Stop. I already heard your 1000 reasons and excuses. I don't need it
anymore and I surely don't need any justification. What you have
done to me scarred me in the deepest place I myself could not reach or even understand. I don't know why I don't love you. I don't know why I can't. As
much as I've tried to forgive and to love you...it's just not there.
Not that I stop trying... But what you're doing right now doesn't help our relationship either.
You're pushing me away instead. Can't you see that?? And these
differences we have, pushed me to the limit where I almost don't care
anymore.
But still, am I the one who deserve to be blamed?
You
must know that I don't have any regrets. In fact I'm utterly greatful.
If I'd given the chance to relive my life again, I'd still choose the
life that I have right now. Yet, I'm fully aware that my feelings for
you now are not supposed to be here in my heart. I know that it's not
allowed. I know that it's an unforgivable sin.But then again, why does it have to be MY sin and not YOURS????
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